I consider myself lucky to have been very much in love at one point. While I usually hold dear the memories I have of that relationship, at times I also feel plagued by them.
If I had never been in love, I wouldn't know what I was missing in more recent relationships. I'd like to make some reference to the idea that if we never experience sorrow, we can never appreciate joy, but in love we stumble upon the conundrum of the chicken or the egg. It is only through love that I can fully comprehend heartache, and only through heartache that I can appreciate love.
Traveling creates waves in my love life. Over the past four years, five continents and countless states, I've met a very small number of guys I would like to pursue or be pursued by with the aim of building a relationship. The problem is that I usually have one night, three days, or at most five months to be with said guy(s).
Do I move to another city or country and try things out with one of those guys? Do I guard myself from relationships in general as right now I'm on track to live in three different countries by the end of 2010?
I don't think you can plan things like this, or tell yourself how to be or not be in relationships. If something is good, it will happen whether you planned for it or not. For the time being, I am single and enjoying meeting people, spending time with friends and focusing on healing. Yes, the romantic side of me feels a little neglected, but who knows what tomorrow will bring :-)
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Second Thoughts
I can't forget Denver.
I did my best to look at each graduate program separately, and assess each school according to the quality of their curriculum, faculty and international opportunities.
After attempting to determine which program would be the most beneficial to my future in international health policy, I settled on Boston University. Not only did Boston offer me close to $20,000 in scholarships, but they boast one of the most prestigious public health programs in the country.
Now I have paid my deposit to Boston University, registered for my first semester of classes, and found two potential roommates...And I can't stop thinking about Denver.
Denver's program would probably not be as immediately beneficial to my intended career as I'd graduate with a rather fluffy degree in human rights, while Boston's program would give me the credentials to begin working in the field of public health.
So here I sit, awake at 1:39am, wondering whether I should follow my heart and do what I enjoy most in Denver, or follow my head and do what is best for my career in Boston.
I did my best to look at each graduate program separately, and assess each school according to the quality of their curriculum, faculty and international opportunities.
After attempting to determine which program would be the most beneficial to my future in international health policy, I settled on Boston University. Not only did Boston offer me close to $20,000 in scholarships, but they boast one of the most prestigious public health programs in the country.
Now I have paid my deposit to Boston University, registered for my first semester of classes, and found two potential roommates...And I can't stop thinking about Denver.
Denver's program would probably not be as immediately beneficial to my intended career as I'd graduate with a rather fluffy degree in human rights, while Boston's program would give me the credentials to begin working in the field of public health.
So here I sit, awake at 1:39am, wondering whether I should follow my heart and do what I enjoy most in Denver, or follow my head and do what is best for my career in Boston.
Friday, June 19, 2009
You bit me last night. In my dream.
Lately I've been reluctant to fall asleep for fear of vivid dreams.
Almost every night I feel charged with emotions including fear, excitement, anxiety, arousal, etc. The dreams are so vivid that I often wake numerous times during the night and have to remind myself of the parameters of my reality. I've woken up when someone was about to stab me, just before a kiss, as I started crying over losing a friend, on and on. I'm considering finding a friend to sleep next to for a few nights so that I feel safer and more relaxed. Any takers?
Enduring physical therapy has taken more strength than I ever imagined. It is so painful. Foreseeing an eventual collapse, I'm debating between visiting a friend in Costa Rica, or going on a road trip around the US. Thoughts? I need something fun to counteract all of the stress that comes with recovery.
I feel as if I'm under tremendous pressure from myself and the people around me to recover. Everyone wants me to be well again, and I miss using my right hand to eat or put in my contacts. In this way, I have to endure physical therapy, no matter how much pain it causes or how monotonous it gets.
So I am holding steady for now, and playing a fine game each week by trying to balance physical therapy with enjoyable excursions to Third Eye Blind concerts and corner cafes for wine in the evening. I've found great comfort in friends old and new, good books, and non-dairy ice-cream :-)
Almost every night I feel charged with emotions including fear, excitement, anxiety, arousal, etc. The dreams are so vivid that I often wake numerous times during the night and have to remind myself of the parameters of my reality. I've woken up when someone was about to stab me, just before a kiss, as I started crying over losing a friend, on and on. I'm considering finding a friend to sleep next to for a few nights so that I feel safer and more relaxed. Any takers?
Enduring physical therapy has taken more strength than I ever imagined. It is so painful. Foreseeing an eventual collapse, I'm debating between visiting a friend in Costa Rica, or going on a road trip around the US. Thoughts? I need something fun to counteract all of the stress that comes with recovery.
I feel as if I'm under tremendous pressure from myself and the people around me to recover. Everyone wants me to be well again, and I miss using my right hand to eat or put in my contacts. In this way, I have to endure physical therapy, no matter how much pain it causes or how monotonous it gets.
So I am holding steady for now, and playing a fine game each week by trying to balance physical therapy with enjoyable excursions to Third Eye Blind concerts and corner cafes for wine in the evening. I've found great comfort in friends old and new, good books, and non-dairy ice-cream :-)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Content
I've been more heartbroken over the premature ending of my trek around South America, than I was when I parted ways with the last guy I dated.
For a while I debated deferring graduate school another year, just to complete a few months of volunteer work in Bolivia, and see the rest of the lovely continent.
After adopting a more realistic mindset, I have accepted that right now I need to be in physical therapy. If I do not invest time and energy into recovering my hand and eye now, the chances of them functioning properly and looking normal will decrease exponentially over time.
Instead of crying myself to sleep over a love lost, I decided to look to my future. And I have to say, I am very content with the direction things are heading.
Boston University has a study abroad option in the Philippines. Since my degree program requires three semesters to complete, I will stay in Boston for one year, signing a lease from August 2009-August 2010, then go abroad for my last semester.
In this way, I will have another five months of experience overseas to add to my resume. Also, studying abroad will be a very cost-effective way to travel and base myself in another country for an extended period of time. During my time abroad, I will not be worrying about paying off loans, nor incurring additional debt as the cost of living is less expensive in Manila than it is in Boston.
When I finish my degree in international health, I will be qualified for a number of positions in foreign countries, working as a glorified volunteer in some senses. I will be paid, but not well, which will hopefully suit me as I don't plan on popping out any kids to support in the next two years.
So that is my plan. I am resting up, volunteering locally, saving money and diving head-first into physical therapy, knowing that in one year, I will be prepared for many more adventures of superior grandeur.
(At the moment I am in NYC, up by Columbia University, until August. Call or message if you are in the area and want to get together!)
For a while I debated deferring graduate school another year, just to complete a few months of volunteer work in Bolivia, and see the rest of the lovely continent.
After adopting a more realistic mindset, I have accepted that right now I need to be in physical therapy. If I do not invest time and energy into recovering my hand and eye now, the chances of them functioning properly and looking normal will decrease exponentially over time.
Instead of crying myself to sleep over a love lost, I decided to look to my future. And I have to say, I am very content with the direction things are heading.
Boston University has a study abroad option in the Philippines. Since my degree program requires three semesters to complete, I will stay in Boston for one year, signing a lease from August 2009-August 2010, then go abroad for my last semester.
In this way, I will have another five months of experience overseas to add to my resume. Also, studying abroad will be a very cost-effective way to travel and base myself in another country for an extended period of time. During my time abroad, I will not be worrying about paying off loans, nor incurring additional debt as the cost of living is less expensive in Manila than it is in Boston.
When I finish my degree in international health, I will be qualified for a number of positions in foreign countries, working as a glorified volunteer in some senses. I will be paid, but not well, which will hopefully suit me as I don't plan on popping out any kids to support in the next two years.
So that is my plan. I am resting up, volunteering locally, saving money and diving head-first into physical therapy, knowing that in one year, I will be prepared for many more adventures of superior grandeur.
(At the moment I am in NYC, up by Columbia University, until August. Call or message if you are in the area and want to get together!)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Everything is Moving and Standing Still
Today, for the first time since I fell, I thought to myself,
I love my life, right now, in this moment.
What made me think that today? I woke up late and enjoyed a bowl of Kashi with chocolate soy milk. Then I spent the morning sorting through things in my room, stopping frequently to reflect on memories associated with whatever I was unearthing.
I paused on a pile of shoes I've collected from all over the world. Shiny black sandals from Ghana reminded me of the red dust there that permeates everything. Beaded sandals from Bali brought back the memory of a day I got lost and ended up riding my motorcycle through an elephant sanctuary. Tattered sneakers from Argentina made me miss Joel, the rocking of our boat on the Drake Passage and riding mountain bikes with Larissa.
While sorting and cleaning, I was happy about my plan for the afternoon, to stretch my muscles in the sun by running then doing yoga. In the evening I expected to help prepare a surprise belated mother's day celebration with my sister.
As I stood in my room, hanging a few sundresses I recently purchased, I thought about the fact that I had started wearing contacts and driving my car again. I was excited to be moving to New York City in the next few weeks, and happy to have registered for my first semester of graduate classes.
Later today, my sense of satisfaction was challenged. As Nate and I prepared the house for my mother's surprise celebration, I realized just how weak my right wrist still is. I was frustrated about not being able to cut green peppers for a salad, lift a bowl from the microwave, or feel a piece of tape on my hand. By the time my mom arrived at home, I had developed a headache from exhaustion and exasperation.
Later in the evening a good friend sent me a text message, inviting me to dance to Latin music at a local hotel. Upon receiving the message, my mind raced through ideas of how to cover up my scars and make myself look prettier than I felt. I glanced at some makeup on my desk, then over to my closet holding the sundresses I had hung up earlier in the day.
I declined my friend's invite after concluding that I was too tired to begin dolling myself up for a night out. I felt too self-conscious to enjoy dancing, and did not care to explain my wrist brace to anyone.
I suppose I'll have those nights from time to time. I'm just going to keep running, wearing contacts, blow drying my hair (another recent feat), and wearing my sundresses until I feel less self-conscious. Tomorrow is full of friends I have had for so long, it is impossible for me to feel self-conscious around them. I am excited.
I love my life, right now, in this moment.
What made me think that today? I woke up late and enjoyed a bowl of Kashi with chocolate soy milk. Then I spent the morning sorting through things in my room, stopping frequently to reflect on memories associated with whatever I was unearthing.
I paused on a pile of shoes I've collected from all over the world. Shiny black sandals from Ghana reminded me of the red dust there that permeates everything. Beaded sandals from Bali brought back the memory of a day I got lost and ended up riding my motorcycle through an elephant sanctuary. Tattered sneakers from Argentina made me miss Joel, the rocking of our boat on the Drake Passage and riding mountain bikes with Larissa.
While sorting and cleaning, I was happy about my plan for the afternoon, to stretch my muscles in the sun by running then doing yoga. In the evening I expected to help prepare a surprise belated mother's day celebration with my sister.
As I stood in my room, hanging a few sundresses I recently purchased, I thought about the fact that I had started wearing contacts and driving my car again. I was excited to be moving to New York City in the next few weeks, and happy to have registered for my first semester of graduate classes.
Later today, my sense of satisfaction was challenged. As Nate and I prepared the house for my mother's surprise celebration, I realized just how weak my right wrist still is. I was frustrated about not being able to cut green peppers for a salad, lift a bowl from the microwave, or feel a piece of tape on my hand. By the time my mom arrived at home, I had developed a headache from exhaustion and exasperation.
Later in the evening a good friend sent me a text message, inviting me to dance to Latin music at a local hotel. Upon receiving the message, my mind raced through ideas of how to cover up my scars and make myself look prettier than I felt. I glanced at some makeup on my desk, then over to my closet holding the sundresses I had hung up earlier in the day.
I declined my friend's invite after concluding that I was too tired to begin dolling myself up for a night out. I felt too self-conscious to enjoy dancing, and did not care to explain my wrist brace to anyone.
I suppose I'll have those nights from time to time. I'm just going to keep running, wearing contacts, blow drying my hair (another recent feat), and wearing my sundresses until I feel less self-conscious. Tomorrow is full of friends I have had for so long, it is impossible for me to feel self-conscious around them. I am excited.
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